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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rubydelaruby's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 6th, 2011
1:07 pm
holy shit
this guy demitri martin wrote a 224 word palindrome poem........color me fucking impressed

"Dammit I'm Mad"

Dammit I’m mad.
Evil is a deed as I live.
God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.
To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.
Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?
Man, it is hot. I’m in it. I tell.
I am not a devil. I level “Mad Dog”.
Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp,
In my halo of a mired rum tin.
I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.
Is evil in a clam? In a trap?
No. It is open. On it I was stuck.
Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.
Be still if I fill its ebb.
Ew, a spider… eh?
We sleep. Oh no!
Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.
Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.
Both, one… my names are in it.
Murder? I’m a fool.
A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,
A Goddam level I lived at.
On mail let it in. I’m it.
Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!
A loss it is alas (sip). I’d assign it a name.
Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:
“Sir, I deliver. I’m a dog”
Evil is a deed as I live.
Dammit I’m mad.
Saturday, June 26th, 2010
1:42 pm
still alive...
and kicking.mostly I come here to keep up with people,but I rarely ever make a public post anymore.I guess I am just feeling FB more than LJ these days,though I still keep up all my private journals.So yeah,still working all the time,but I am happy.I have a few new folks in my life and I am really happy with my friends and family.Home is still evolving.I am trying my best to cope with the summer.I keep seeing these amazing sunsets/moonrises/rainbows/cloud formations that make me think that it's still a good idea to keep my eyes on teh skies.
Friday, January 1st, 2010
4:52 am
you know how I feel....

To everyone who was where I was tonight,I love you so much!!!
Friday, December 11th, 2009
11:43 am
til we become beauty,a fluid medium.
hello.I am still alive and kicking,but not really maintaining any warmth.I spend most of my time either freezing,or fucking freezing.Working a lot.Trying my best to deal with the holidays gracefully.Hell,I am even trying to be celebratory.I started painting again and I have been playing my guitar to build my calluses back up since sister sunshine is coming to town and she wants for us to play together and have ourselves a little hoedown.It always surprises me how easy it is to pick it back up and start playing after ignoring it for 6 months(or longer)Sometimes I forget how much I love to make music.

Things have been good.I have been strengthening old friendships and getting back into my winter habits.I am looking forward to yule and I hope to see a bunch of you soon.
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
12:30 pm
I had a moment last night when I was talking to Pax.I was trying to explain the concept I have of my memory.It's like these circles and cycles of vignettes.The only good metaphor that I could come up with was a crystal chandelier.The ones with rows and rows of crystals,hung in a circle,it's like the cycles and eras are the tiers.That in much of my memory,things stood out,but they are small crystaline images of what was happening.The air between the inividual crystals are the times that I just don't recall,the times when I was killing time,making pay,most of the drudgery.But the small pieces are so clear and multi faceted.The way that I felt at the time,the smell of it,the way that light played on the objects in the room,the air quality,the pysical sensation.It's why the smell of a Nat Sherman cigarette will take me right to a place in my head that I could describe for you,even now,with such clarity and detail.It's all caught together,and it looks different at different angles,depending on the way that you shine the light.

Alot of light gets thrown around in the fall.Alot of memories come flooding back to me wherever I look.I
think that I need to do some visiting with old friends.It's about that time.I definitely need to go sing for a few people.What else are rainy days made for?Well,visiting and stretching.I am having a hard time getting out of bed lately with all this rain.I have little motivation.The only thing that will get me moving is the prospect of fun to be had.I had the realization this morning that maybe I am solar powered.I think that I might need a little something to make me feel like I am wasting time sleeping.The weather report keeps promising this mystical three full days of sunshine....it's always about three days away,three days full of showers and thunderstorms.

I admit that I love me some thunderstorms,I just never get anything done during them.It's when you drink your hot tea and you listen to Nina Simone or Fleetwood Mac,or Leonard Cohen in the afternoon.At night you smoke on the porch and watch lightning.Some of the most intense conversations I have ever had were on a dark porch during a thunderstorm.I know that I just have the "Grey days" right now,it's just the unrelenting cloud cover that makes me feel like I just want to sleep for a year.I think I will settle for a hot bath instead.
Monday, May 4th, 2009
7:35 pm
I just want to dance in your tangles,to give me a reason to move...
The world is a awash in the smell of newly bloomed flowers and rain.I cannot wait to get back on the road.18 days.That is all I have left until I can fall in love with the highway all over again.I am going with my roommate up into the mountains to visit one of our sisters who lives up there for a couple of days.I am sooooo in need of a few days off from everything.I have been working my ass off,trying to get everything covered.At least business has been fairly steady.I have had a couple of new clients from referrals and that is always a good thing.Expanding my clientele.But I really would like a few days to not do any work at all.

I have to say that I am loving the spring so far.I have gotten to see some good people and I have been trying to strengthen some old friendships that I had let sit for way too long.I have been letting go of some old tensions and I am finding that by and large,it's better to just put the wrongs in the past and look at people for what I love about them.Bygones and all that.Things are good for the most part and the things that are not so good are being worked on,creative solutions are simmering until it is time for them to spring into action.

I am also really really in love with my new/old home.I realize that I didn't take advantage of the kitchen at all the first time I lived there.I LOVE MY KITCHEN!!My inner cook has been coming out to play and I am thinking of trying some new recipes,so you folks with the good ones need to send me some.I am even thinking of trying my hand at baking(which has never been my forte)but you don't learn if you don't try.I have also been spending a little time on my porch,watching the planes line up on the nights that I go home from work.It's like my little decompression chamber before I even walk in the door.I am really looking forward to having people over for my party later this month.It's the first time in 5 years that I have had a place large enough to throw "that"kind of party.My last birthday party was when I lived downstairs on Evergreen.I started it in tears,but it ended up being one of the best parties that I have ever had.People were still drinking on my porch when I woke up the next afternoon.I am just glad to be out of the little matchbox apt I was in on cooper.

okay,back to work.send me recipes,and come to my party on the 29th.You don't even have to wear a toga or a costume or headgear or anything.just bring yourselves and your booze of choice and things should get interesting.
Thursday, April 16th, 2009
1:23 pm
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
1:41 pm
sometimes I want to be landlocked and working in a bakery....
I think that I might have made a really big mistake talking to my ex-wife.I stopped talking to her a few years ago.I thought she might have grown up,or changed or something,but I was obviously very wrong.I admit that mainly,I was just curious as to how she turned out....but she is worse than she ever was before.I stopped talking to her in the first time because she acted like I owed her something,and I don't...not by a long shot.It had not even been 24 hours that we have been talking again and she bombards my facebook and my cell phone to ask me if I can cut her hair,I tell her that I am booked up for 2 weeks,and she asks if I am free after work.I told her firmly that I am not.I expect that she thinks that she will not have to pay for my services...this is not how things are going down.even my best friends have to come up off some trade.I am going for a massage this afternoon in trade for a haircut I did on Angy.(thank god,since my legs have felt like shit lately,and she is the goddess of massage)Anyway,I am thinking that I might go back to ignoring my ex-wife again.it's easier than dealing with a drunk.It's a shame too,because I miss the way that she used to be.

In other news,I am thinking that I might start writing vignettes.I think that it's the only way that I am going to transition back into serious writing rather than journaling schlock like i have for the past few years.I have to find a way to just get three done a week and post them in my blog on blogspot.I read a post on one of the blogs that I follow,she is an amazing writer,but she mostly just writes about her book these days.It's a shame,but she did a post recently that was just 3 sense memories from the past and they were fantastic.I thought,it's a an easy way to write,nothing too long,just a moment in time and what it felt and tasted like,the smells and the look of it.I guess that all those little moments strung together form the picture of a life.I think that might be the best way to write my memoirs.Everyone tells me that I need to do it....but I would like them best scattered.I am that type girl.le sigh.

Some days I just wonder if I will ever remember today in the way that I remember those other days.If anything around me is making an impression at all.I know that the fact that I don't do nearly as many drugs now has some profound effect,I just don't know exactly how.Was I experiencing things more profoundly when I was on that many drugs?One would think that you would notice more things if you weren't altered....or maybe the awareness of everything around me tends to blunt the ability to notice the tiny details of life.(funny note*the good times are killing me* came on the pandora radio just now,there is order in the universe)I guess it's just a case of burning bright and fast.I have learned to temper myself over the years.I now know that living faster = dying faster,so I try my best not to indulge in moth behavior.

OMG this just got me.

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

***************this song beats a hole in my head that looks like a star from the inside************

So many things have been going on lately.I am getting used to living with someone again.It isn't hard for me to live with Pax though,she and I fall into a rhythm eventually.It's been slow going,staying motivated to get the house together,but we have both been working alot.I have been trying to spend more nights at home.I feel like I need the time to sit and mend whatever damage I have taken on after being so careless with myself for the past year or so.I haven't been Looking after myself spiritually.It's gotten to the point where I will realize that I need a reading and wait a month to do it.That is a bad sign.It's like it's one of those things that I procrastinate about.I have to get back on top of things again,my timing has been for shit as well.However,I think that I am about to try and get a couple of my old gay friends together in New York City.I am sure that they would love eachother,or at least love to love eachother.My Yenta skills are going nationwide.God bless facebook.People have been coming out of the woodwork,but it's really exciting in a way,because there are alot of them that I dearly love and just lost over time.I have realized that the true reward of trying to be good to people for most of your life is that most everyone that has left your life left still loving you.There are so many amazing people that I feel like I have picked-back-up-where-I-left-off-with.It's beautiful.Like the years have only changed our circumstances, not the way that we feel about eachother.Maybe that is why I am having the onslaught of memories lately,no?

well,that last stream of thought lets me know that it is time to stop smoking and writing and get on to my day.be good to eachother.........and be sure to be sure before you talk to your exes.(the radio serves up *the weight* by The Band,perfect late start morning music for those in the know)
Thursday, April 9th, 2009
5:49 pm
What Big Cat Are You?
You Are a Cougar
You have more strength than most people, and with it, the ability to inflict a lot of harm.
Your power gives you confidence, and you find leading others to be easy.

You believe that you need to the best, and you are very driven to excel.
Most people immediately admire you, but some people feel very envious of your abilities.
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
1:21 am
my favorite sound you make
guess who is now totally in love with pandora radio....it's like it KNOWS me man!!!

So,long overdue update.I am settling nicely into Clark House and I am working all the fucking time....but I am intensely happy.I have been trying to stay out of the bars,because I am tired of only meeting people who are in "impressive" mode.I mean,when you go out,you are trying to impress people,but it just stands to reason that you never see anything real out of someone when they are drunk in a room full of drunk people that they are probably thinking of bedding.I don't mind tying one on with friends that I can talk shit and laugh with in bars,or picking up someone to go home with,but as far as actual socializing goes,I have been going to visit people and meeting people in the oddest places.I have to say that you get a much more accurate first impression of someone when they are in the library in their "lahas" than in the bar in slut clothes.it's my social experiment of the month.

Spring is making me feel like I am on alive overdrive.I took a little trip out to teh woods to see the sunset over the river this evening and I swear,the scent of the wisteria was intoxicating.The trees are budding to there is this wild overlay of lime green on all these bare trees and the dogwoods all going nuts blooming their asses off and being so amazingly visible through all the other trees trying to catch up.The river was huge,like magestically huge from the runoff from all the storms that have been sweeping thru the country and I suppose it won't be long before it overtakes the road to the boat dock.The moon was gorgeous.

Alright,enough going on and on about spring and drunk people,I gotta put my ass in bed.love to my peoples.
good night

Current Mood: ???!
Saturday, March 21st, 2009
1:53 am
Life is Beautiful.
Friday, March 6th, 2009
6:11 pm
Thursday, March 5th, 2009
11:02 am
I am happy that I finally have the internet at home...yay!I had five days off work and I fell like I have been hit by a hammer,because it's all been nonstop moving and then taking things apart,or putting things together (furniture requiring assembly is sooooo not my friend)or moving boxes around the box fort or doing massive amounts of laundry.I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation.I was ready to start singing old spirituals or something fitting for a chain gang or a railroad crew.BUT.....I am finally moved into Clark House and I remember why I love this place.I had alot of help from wonderful people to get everything here and hopefully soon I will get to see some of them again.

The other strange side effect of the move is that I have been waking up really early and then getting sleepy around 10 or 11 at night.I feel like a fucking farmer.I need my night schedule back or I am gonna be miserable at work.However,I think that the addition of drapes on the east facing windows in my bedroom will help with that situation.

In other news,there is no other news,because I have been eaten by this move.Hopefully I will get to see some of you people soon.lovelove

Current Mood: crazy
Thursday, February 26th, 2009
6:13 pm
my most serious gratitudes....
to the folks that helped me move all my shit yesterday.You are all gods/goddesses in my book.I love you all eternally.

in other news I am so exhausted and sore all over that I want to just find a hot bath and stay there for a few weeks,but now I have to unpack......I keep telling myself,two more shifts and I am off for 5 days....I can do it then.But it looks like I might need to get on it a little sooner than all that....a shame really,because I feel like I could sleep for 2 days straight.(insert jaw cracking yawn here)I really couldn't have done it without wonderful friends who are willing to deal with my heavy-ass beongings.Who knew I had all that stuff crammed into that tiny little studio????

Current Mood: exhausted
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
11:58 am
i am so super disgusted right now!!!!!I wait another hour in the line at the inspection station and they won't even inspect my volvo because the bitch says i am smoking.at least the last time they actually inspected her.So yeah,not fucking pleased.everthing else is going so well.i have loads of hate right now.so....if anyone has any advice about cheating inspection,please let me know.
Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
9:31 pm
I am currently trying to drum up $ to move out of my matchbook sized studio,soooo......

If you could possibly dream of needing my services,let me know!!!!I would love love love to beautify each and every one of you in whatever way you desire.I will even work on hooves again!!!!just because it is winter,that is no reason to let your feet go ladies,spring will be here before you know it,why not get on top of those tootsies now!!

I know that some of you out there are running around with mile long roots,why not get some pick me up color done.nothing better than a little color to brighten up the winter blahs.Maybe some nice highlights to get things cookin'.Those of you running around all shaggy headed,come on in and get that shit shaped up so you can once again walk about town knowing,without a doubt,that you look smokin'.I just want to make you all look as hot as possible,cause it is cold as hell out there and what better way to make people go home with you(to warm your bed) than to be out and about looking your best!

also available for readings,because sometimes,you just need one.

if you are already my client,you have my number,if you are not,then email me @ rollavita@hotmail.com

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
7:20 pm
all hail the healing powers of angy!!!
I am so relaxed.didn't realize how badly I needed that massage.been really busy lately.everyone cross your fingers that I get the apartment that I looked at today,and that the business offer that came to my table today pans out to be lucrative.I love you people,be well.
Monday, January 12th, 2009
9:54 pm
Monday, January 5th, 2009
9:53 pm
these are a few of my favorite things....
the blue of the sky about 15 minutes after the sun goes down on cloudless days.

swimming at night,especially in lakes or the ocean

reading and smoking in the bath

red apples

laughing with my sisters

the distant sound of trains late at night when my windows are open

talking shit to my cat(he takes it so well)

thin mint girl scout cookies that have been frozen

mixing up scents

high thread count bed linens (i am a fabric whore)

going to parties where I know and really love everyone there

the right color red

camping (especially with Deb)

taking photographs

living in midtown

finding and adopting things that have been used and given away or abandoned

wearing chinese doll shoes

nan goldin's photographs

driving late at night (sanctuary)


making up haiku

slow dancing

songs in french

juxtapos magazine

conversations with strangers

getting lost and finding my way back

throwing things

the botanic gardens


listening to music in my studio at night with the lights out and the blinds open

talking to someone while sitting in a parked car in winter(usually drinking for warmth)

swingsets on cloudy days

the 1970's

my volvo!!!

making mixed cd's(since I don't make mixed tapes anymore) for the people I love

shuffling through dry fallen leaves that make swish-swish-swish noise

Steely Dan (particularly the song "deacon blues")

Gustave Moreau

being barefoot

the way that the air smells when I take a hot bath after I've been wearing china rain oil

calico patchwork

being alone

my bed!!!

writing and smoking in the mornings

getting off work and knowing that I have the next day off

the "house is clean,laundry is done,kitchen is stocked" feeling

stained glass windows in cathedrals

ruby port wine and chocolate or tawny port and those little mandarin oranges
Sunday, December 28th, 2008
9:08 pm
it's so cold in alaska.....
Or at least it feels like alaska in my place of work.brrrr!I don't get it,it was soooo warm and nice over the weekend :( at least I had a good time while it lasted!I got to hang out with my Patrik for a few days,which was rather luxurious.We ran around and hung out with the ladies,enjoying the beautimus weather.
Having the windows open was soooo nice.

The holiday went by alright,despite the fact that I was pretty much working my ass off the entire time.It really didn't feel like a holiday at all now that I think about it.But i haven't had an actual x-mas or thanksgiving in five years now,you would think that I would be used to it by now.I DID get to spend a little time with my mom on x-mas eve,which was really sweet.She even shoo'ed my brother away so that we could hang in relative peace.

I also went to a couple of good parties in the last few weeks and got to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a while.I keep thinking that there are so many beautiful people that I love sooooo much,but I don't get to see them all the time.I think in 2009,one of my goals will be to get out and see more of them,and to drag them around with me to see other friends.

Anyway....I didn't get any x-mas food,which blows,because it's been years since I had any.But I got a couple of really thoughtful presents,and I think that pretty much makes up for the lack of roasted chicken, mash potatos and greenbean casserole.I made do on x-mas night with half a cookie @ the faery farm, beers @ Side Street after work,and the most amazing bagel ever over at Mike's house.I am not sure if it was so amazing because I was so very hungry(and grateful that someone was feeding me)or because I was so very high.Either way the nature show that he put on the television made me stretch my mind out and I played with the cute gray cat that lives in his house.All in all not a bad way to spend x-mas.I used to spend it holed up in bed with a bottle of whiskey and a bad attitude.

So now I just have to get thru New Years.I have made a few goals.I don't really make resolutions.I decided that I want to see a larger variety of people,to learn how to cook Indian-style dishes,to shake my ass more (it gets the blood flowing,makes you warm and loosens up the joints to dance first thing in the morning...it also improves your outlook on the day,just have to get back in the habit)I have also been thinking that I might be looking for a better(read bigger) apartment this year,because I miss throwing parties,and I need more room so I can make a studio space and start painting again(I miss it)That is all I have up with so far,But I figure it's a good start.

I am considering 2008 a "learning year",or at least that is the nicest label we could think of to explain the last year.Some really amazing things happened,but I cannot overlook the things that tested me,and the losses of loved ones.I am hoping that 2009 will be a bit more upbeat and hopeful.We still haven't come up with a name for 2009 yet.I am open for suggestions.
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